Two is Not Enough, Four is Too Many
so i was thinking. maybe two kids are enough. i have always wanted three kids, but my brother always wanted to go to war too. if we were to try and then have another girl, i would not mind at all, however it would make me lose faith that i still have since zach told me he would give us a boy to communicate to us. do i want to get an answer to the big question of after-life? guess there is just a fifty-fifty chance on that one. pretty good odds for vegas or reno, but still a gamble.

then there is the human nature ignorance to 'want' one child of each sex, or to want a boy to 'carry on the family name.' there is even the machismo vomit that i have participated in about not 'sticking a stem on the apple.' all of that is crap.

my only hesitation is that i don't want what has happened to me to happen to my girls... becoming an only child to have to carry on the care and responsibilities of my parents, alone. there are a lot of benefits of a larger family, true. there are other benefits of keeping it small, the environment, financial burdens, etc.

still the resounding voice of 'c'mon, you know you want a boy, right?' rings in my head, frustrating me, angering me. honestly, it doesn't matter to me, at all, what the sex is as long as it is healthy and abbie stays healthy too.

quit while your ahead. maybe. a friend of mine with four children has said before, (and i feel it is true unless the children are staggered over more than ten years) that 'it is just a small segment of my life (child-raising) and it is well worth it now.' I like that thought. and i still feel that my purpose here isn't to be some world-changing graphic designer. not anymore. my purpose is to give a good life a good chance and be the best father i possibly can. that emotion overwhelmed me when emma was born. i was hoping that ellie would help to revive that emotion in me, but with my brother dying, it was not given a good chance. i sat with her last night watching and playing with her, like i did with emma three years ago, and i saw a glimmer of hope of it returning. i want that. i can enjoy that.

i can't fathom the costs of daycare for another, food for another, and god help me, any medical hiccups with another. but i suppose the same risks involved with one child are the same as with three. so what have i concluded after all this mumbojumbo? i'll get back to you on that one.